Arch-Heretic Joel Osteen Cries on Stage After Announcing Repayment of $100M Loan

Staff Writer

Famed heretic Joel Osteen cried big ole heretic tears on Sunday as he announced to his goatling congregation that Lakewood has finally paid off a $100,000,000.00 loan they’d been servicing for the last nineteen years, breaking down on stage with his impastor wife by his side.

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According to the Chron: “Back in 2001, Osteen signed a 60-year lease with the city to move from its 7,800-seat sanctuary in northeast Houston into the Compaq Center, the Houston Rockets’ arena boasting 16,000 seats, Osteen recalled. The pastor paid $11.5 million in rent, using money left to the church by his late father.

When Lakewood officially relocated in 2005, the pastor sought out more money to renovate the former NBA arena, aiming to redesign the outdoor façade and to construct the indoor stage, to replace the locker rooms and food stands with meeting rooms and childcare spaces, and to erect an adjacent five-story building to include Lakewood’s television production offices, among other necessary projects.

Osteen struck out with the first financial institution, he admitted, before Bank of America offered him a $25 million check for his construction loan. After some relatively quick negotiations, the bank agreed to increase its lending to $100 million.”

Lakewood is now nearly debt free, owing just a loan for capital equipment. Following the news, Osteen quickly parlayed the announcement into more of his trash views and, telling his whooping and cheering congregation:

What God has done for Lakewood, He is going to do in your life. I believe in 2024, you will see God release you from some things that have held you back, release you from debt, release you from addiction, release you from wrong mindsets.”